The Blood, The Backhoes and The Bodybags: Warlordism in the 21st Century

by Neil The Satirical

Nope folks, those are real dead people. This is not a scene from a Rambo Movie

Filipinos are used to seeing brains splattered across the pavement during election time. Election period is every gun smuggler’s, hit man’s and corrupt politician’s candyland; for guns, goons and gold are very much in circulation this time of the year. Thus a politician receiving a bullet through the head or getting whacked by an ax is not really something to whine about. An election period without election related violence in the 7,107 islands is like October fest without the booze.

But the recent Ampatuan massacre that claimed 57 lives (including 30 journalists and 20 plus women who were also reported to be raped and shot in the genitals) deserves no less than two dirty fingers and the perpetrators should be, by popular demand, hanged through their tonsils and left to rot under the sun. It is a vicious and tasteless attack that adds another entry to our country in the Guinness book of world records (Damn! I thought we were aiming for the biggest apple pie in the world?).

So to the citizens of beautiful planet earth, you now have been introduced to how things are done in this country, watch an episode of the Sopranos and it perfectly details how our politicians behave. Our mayors-turned-warlords or vice versa makes Rambo look like a sissy girl when it comes to the number of body bags they are able to produce. The “say hello to my lil’ friend” scene of Scarface, with a machine gun wielding Al Pacino would look like a love scene when compared to the onslaught our corrupt local heads could inflict to anyone who dares stand against them. Yes our political landscape looks similar to Grand Theft Auto 4 in the hands of a ten year old boy killing civilians in the most creative ways possible. Mad Max ain’t got nothing on our homeboys (by homeboys I mean overfed political clans) who act like kings and execute like the Bloods and Crips to defend their home turf.

Warlordism is the name of the game in our country; we just call it democracy to avoid international fuss. So until anything is done to stop this backward practice, mind as well bring your shotgun the next time you try to run for public office.


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